To die for

Two of the many things that often keep me up at night, is thinking whether or not I deserve something or if I’m worthy of anything. I’ve said this before, but it can be a little difficult for me to accept gifts or praise from people, because I began to question if I truly deserve it, let alone am worthy of it. I’ve sat countless of times and recollected where this feeling stems from, but I just can’t seem to pinpoint the source of my negative thinking. However, although I doubt myself, I know there’s one person who doesn’t. In fact, He knows how worthy and deserving I am, that He was willing to prove it, by dying.

That’s huge that He would be willing to lay down His life for someone He’d never met, let alone heard of. If Jesus thinks so much of me, then why can’t I think the same for myself? There are days I struggle and still question, “Why me”, but then I can’t help but to counter with, “Why not me”? No one is perfect, and truth be told, I wouldn’t want to be. I’m not going to always get it right, the first, second or third time, but what I do know is, I’m the right person, to receive everything good that happens to me, and so do you! I’ve lived with guilt for a long time, and was afraid (and sometimes still am) to share my good news with others, because of their negative reaction.

For the most part, the responses are good, but I guess after the blessings continues, it can be a little too much for them to handle. I began to become almost ashamed of what God was doing for me, because I allowed people to make me feel as though I was not deserving of greatness, when I know that’s all I’m destined for. Besides, I can’t fail, when I have someone who has my back, that has never experienced a loss. Although people may not think highly of me, let alone much, one thing I am for certain of, and that is the fact that I am to die for! Don’t let anyone question your value, when you are invaluable to God.

Until next time my NOTE takers!

Writefully yours,

Deetra La’Rue

Verified (No “check” sign needed)

If you frequent social media, Instagram in particular, you’ll notice that only the “verified” have a blue check mark besides their handle (account name). Typically, this means that the person possesses some type of status or are extremely popular, to say the least. They’ve been validated by society, and unless you have the blue check sign, then you’re not a part of the esteemed. To some this may not matter, but for many, it’s everything. Their total existence is based upon the acceptance of others. They can’t live, unless they know people are “checking” for them.

I’d like to take a few minutes of your time, to briefly talk about a man who “verified” you over two-thousand years ago. This post is not intended to infringe upon anyone’s beliefs, but to let you know, you’ve been validated long before you were created. In fact, if someone was willing to take responsibility for your sins, and die as a result of it, that alone should be an indication of your worth. Too often, we give society credit for “building” people, when the only thing they’re responsible for is tearing them down. Depending upon what you do or the level of interest one has in you, you’re “in” and the next minute, you’re out.

However, regardless of what you do or the nature of what you did, Jesus will never count you out! Your validation comes from Him, so society’s approval is neither required nor needed. With Him, you can make one-thousand or more mistakes, and your approval rating still won’t go down. He forgives and forgets, but society remembers and condemns. Who’s validation do you want more? Do you need a blue check sign to be accepted, or can you accept His verification as being enough?

Until next time my NOTE takers!

Writefully yours,

Deetra La’Rue

Still here

Anybody that knows me, knows that I am notoriously private (well, I try to be). Sometimes, I’m pretty easy to talk to and other times I’m not (at least that’s what I’ve been told). As I’ve gotten older and wiser, I’ve let my guard down (just a little) and try to be transparent, because I never know who I may help along the way.

It’s no secret that I share a lot of my personal hardships and life experiences on this forum. What’s simply a “post” to you, is more than words; it’s my life! As discreet as I try to be, it’s no secret my battle with depression and anxiety, amongst other things. However, one of the biggest things I’ve struggled with, is whether or not I deserved to “still be here”.

Last year, one of the biggest and bravest things I decided to do, was want more for myself. I decided that I was no longer going to be held captive to my past, my mistakes and most important, the negative thoughts I had of myself. Besides, I couldn’t fault people for not feeling or thinking positive of me, when I didn’t require it from myself.

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is one of many organizations that I support (for “obvious” reasons). During one of my many days of online shopping (lol), I came across this jewelry maker on Etsy, and one of the most popular items she sold, was “still here” necklaces, that were followed by the semi-colon sign.

Well, if you are a stranger to the MI (Mental Illness) world, the semi-colon represents a “pause in one’s story, but not the end”. Depression and anxiety was not the end of me (although it tried to destroy me), so I was eager to purchase a necklace, support the cause and allow others to see how brave I was.

My bravery and transparency has allowed others to come forth and share their story. One of my students came to me yesterday, after months of being absent, stating to me why she hadn’t been as active as she needs to be. She shared with me that she is struggling very bad with depression and anxiety, so much, that she literally had to force herself out of bed, and even she doesn’t know how she was able to do it.

Immediately, I felt her anguish, pain and most of all, I felt for her, because not too long ago, I was “trying to get up out of that bed”. I knew then, why I was “still here”….

I don’t care what you are going through or have been through. Never question why you are “still here”…just be thankful that you are!

Until next time my Note takers!

Writefully yours,

Deetra La’Rue

When your peace of mind is worth more than the heartbreak

Being the bigger person sucks at times! The pressure is always on you to take the high road, when all you want to do is take your tormentor down the horrendous road, they’ve dragged you on for so long. I’m angry, my blood boils and I’m doing everything within my power, to stop my heart from beating with hate. At this point, I’m hurt and just want to give in to my desires, as wrongful as they may be. Besides, it’s costing me too much; my peace of mind for one!

I can’t always say I’ve been around good situations or the very best of people. More times than I’d like to admit, I was involved in a lot of unnecessary and hurtful arguments/disagreements. Expletives were yelled, voices reached their highest pitch and feelings were hurt, although no one wanted to admit it. My eyes are burning with rage, as I sit here taking a trip down memory lane.

No longer wanting to be apart of the problem, I began to turn a blind eye to all the envy and hate. I silenced myself in arguments and took a backseat to the drama, so I thought. Although I was in “attendance”, I promise you I wasn’t “present”. I became a punching bag, and I started allowing people to say whatever they wanted without striking back. Besides, it wouldn’t have done any good anyway, because their blows were much more lethal than any defense I could give.

Instead, I just sat there and took the beating……punch, after punch, after punch. I kept telling myself, “It’s okay. You’re not affected by any of this”. In fact, I was affected. I was angry, extremely bothered and wanted revenge! I couldn’t just sit back and allow someone to continue to treat me any less than I was, just because they felt that way about themselves. I….WAS……MAD! Not for the simple fact of how I was being treated, but because my peace of mind was gone! How could I allow someone to take the only thing I knew they couldn’t have?

I had to get my peace of mind back, because to me, it was worth more than the heartbreak of not having a relationship with someone very close to me. Then too, their actions alone proves to me, they not only don’t care about my feelings, but they don’t want a relationship with me. But, you know what? I’m totally fine with that!

I’ve settle on the idea that I can love people from afar. I don’t have to have a relationship with certain people, because I may never get the one I desire anyway. However, my peace of mind is too valuable for me to have it ruined, because of how someone else feels about me. I shouldn’t have to pay for their feelings! Rather than stay entangled in a position that I didn’t create for myself, I just chose to walk away. It’s not always the easiest thing to do, but it’s for the absolute best!

*****Whispers to self, I would care, but this doesn’t involve me!*****

Until next time Note takers!

Writefully yours,

Deetra La’Rue