To die for

Two of the many things that often keep me up at night, is thinking whether or not I deserve something or if I’m worthy of anything. I’ve said this before, but it can be a little difficult for me to accept gifts or praise from people, because I began to question if I truly deserve it, let alone am worthy of it. I’ve sat countless of times and recollected where this feeling stems from, but I just can’t seem to pinpoint the source of my negative thinking. However, although I doubt myself, I know there’s one person who doesn’t. In fact, He knows how worthy and deserving I am, that He was willing to prove it, by dying.

That’s huge that He would be willing to lay down His life for someone He’d never met, let alone heard of. If Jesus thinks so much of me, then why can’t I think the same for myself? There are days I struggle and still question, “Why me”, but then I can’t help but to counter with, “Why not me”? No one is perfect, and truth be told, I wouldn’t want to be. I’m not going to always get it right, the first, second or third time, but what I do know is, I’m the right person, to receive everything good that happens to me, and so do you! I’ve lived with guilt for a long time, and was afraid (and sometimes still am) to share my good news with others, because of their negative reaction.

For the most part, the responses are good, but I guess after the blessings continues, it can be a little too much for them to handle. I began to become almost ashamed of what God was doing for me, because I allowed people to make me feel as though I was not deserving of greatness, when I know that’s all I’m destined for. Besides, I can’t fail, when I have someone who has my back, that has never experienced a loss. Although people may not think highly of me, let alone much, one thing I am for certain of, and that is the fact that I am to die for! Don’t let anyone question your value, when you are invaluable to God.

Until next time my NOTE takers!

Writefully yours,

Deetra La’Rue

Still here

Anybody that knows me, knows that I am notoriously private (well, I try to be). Sometimes, I’m pretty easy to talk to and other times I’m not (at least that’s what I’ve been told). As I’ve gotten older and wiser, I’ve let my guard down (just a little) and try to be transparent, because I never know who I may help along the way.

It’s no secret that I share a lot of my personal hardships and life experiences on this forum. What’s simply a “post” to you, is more than words; it’s my life! As discreet as I try to be, it’s no secret my battle with depression and anxiety, amongst other things. However, one of the biggest things I’ve struggled with, is whether or not I deserved to “still be here”.

Last year, one of the biggest and bravest things I decided to do, was want more for myself. I decided that I was no longer going to be held captive to my past, my mistakes and most important, the negative thoughts I had of myself. Besides, I couldn’t fault people for not feeling or thinking positive of me, when I didn’t require it from myself.

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is one of many organizations that I support (for “obvious” reasons). During one of my many days of online shopping (lol), I came across this jewelry maker on Etsy, and one of the most popular items she sold, was “still here” necklaces, that were followed by the semi-colon sign.

Well, if you are a stranger to the MI (Mental Illness) world, the semi-colon represents a “pause in one’s story, but not the end”. Depression and anxiety was not the end of me (although it tried to destroy me), so I was eager to purchase a necklace, support the cause and allow others to see how brave I was.

My bravery and transparency has allowed others to come forth and share their story. One of my students came to me yesterday, after months of being absent, stating to me why she hadn’t been as active as she needs to be. She shared with me that she is struggling very bad with depression and anxiety, so much, that she literally had to force herself out of bed, and even she doesn’t know how she was able to do it.

Immediately, I felt her anguish, pain and most of all, I felt for her, because not too long ago, I was “trying to get up out of that bed”. I knew then, why I was “still here”….

I don’t care what you are going through or have been through. Never question why you are “still here”…just be thankful that you are!

Until next time my Note takers!

Writefully yours,

Deetra La’Rue