6 months ago, I did what I felt at the time was best for you and what you desperately needed

But now you have me questioning if therapy was a big mistake

As you would have it, it wouldn’t be the first time you blame me

Sometimes, I feel as though you want to give up

But truth of the matter, I believe you may already have

I want you to be great, but no matter how many positive affirmations I give you

You follow up with a negative, as punishment for thinking you’re good,

Because you believe you’re anything but

Some days I hype you up like crazy, but eventually the cheers subside

Because you somehow convince me you’re nothing to “fuss over”

There’s nothing I want more than to love you

Not just you, but EVERYTHING there is about you

Your imperfections, good heart, even the things you say are “so bad”, I want to love them too

I’ve been trying to love you for years, but for some reason, you just won’t let me

You’ve given me what you feel are a million and one truths

But I see nothing but lies

You self-sabotage and call yourself names

And then get mad at me for not doing the same

I just don’t get you! You’re beautiful, gifted, successful and inspirational

Yet you say you have nothing to offer

Bullshit! In fact, everything you say and do, is complete bullshit!

You say you’re confident, yet you don’t have an ounce of self-esteem

You say, “I know who I am”, yet you’re struggling to make peace with who you are

You say you want to experience love, yet you can’t seem to show yourself any

You say you don’t see why people like you, appreciate you and look up to you

But, if I were you and didn’t think anything of myself, I wouldn’t be able to see it either

It’s amazing! I’ve never met a person who devalues themselves as much as you

Especially, when you are more valuable than ivory tusks and richer than 14kt gold!

What a joke! But, the sad thing is, self-hate is no laughing matter!

To be honest, I actually feel sorry for you, but because of YOUR pride, you won’t allow me to

I can’t imagine being a fraud and living a double life!

It’s exhausting, not to mention hard wearing a mask

You’ve got to be sure you wear the right one, know when to wear it and who to wear it around

Why can’t you just be yourself? I’m sorry, I forgot, you don’t like her

But, no matter how less you think of yourself, to me you’re the world!

Girl, you’ve got it going on, but the enemy has convinced you that you don’t

Needless to say, you ARE the enemy

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m sick of you!  

You can’t even look at yourself in the mirror, without finding something to bitch about

If it sounds as though I’m upset, it’s probably because I am

You’re hurting us, and you don’t even realize it

Or, maybe it’s exactly what you wanted….speaking of want

Why do I want more for you than you want for yourself?

Why am I busting my ass for YOUR success, if you keep telling yourself you don’t deserve it?

Why am I having dreams, making goals and seeing visions

When you don’t see yourself achieving them?

Why am I even writing to you, when you already know what YOU are doing?

Why am I questioning your motives, but most important, why am I YOU?

Moral of MY STORY, just because I’m “shining”, doesn’t mean I’m not living in “darkness”. Check on those that are strong in your life, because sometimes, even they get weak!

Until next time my NOTE takers!

Writefully yours,

Deetra La’Rue

Eventually, you’ll come out!

For years, I was in a deep dark hole and I didn’t know if I’d ever come out or slide farther in. However, what I did know was, no matter what I was facing, I couldn’t let it swallow me up! I haven’t been the most vocal when it comes to Mental Awareness, but no longer faced with the concerns or scrutiny of the world, I can say without shame, I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for a very long time….since the age of 14 to be exact.

At that time, I didn’t know what is was called, but I knew something wasn’t right. There would be times I’d have “the blues”, and after a few days or so, I’d feel better. But, when the days gradually turned into weeks and months, I knew I had more than just “the blues”, but a serious problem. Although I was a little reluctant at first, I shared with my Primary Care Physician at that time, what I was battling with. After a series of tests, she gave me two options: a prescription or a referral.

Not wanting either, I eventually conceded, because I felt I had already lost anyway. I took the medication, but later stopped, because I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I saw an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) for awhile, but even that did nothing for me, except resent my PCP for referring me in the first place. After I gave up on both, I started to self-medicate, but none of my remedies was working. At that point, that deep dark hole, was starting to look like home.

As long as I was in that hole, I was surrounded by darkness and the idea that I’d never get out. More than a conqueror, I knew I had so much to offer and a lot of life still to live. So, I started to dig and crawl my way up, but every time I reached the top, I’d slip and slide right back down. This continued for years, until I finally gained enough strength and adopted the mindset of a survivor. Equipped with this, I was well on my way to becoming free!

Would I surprise you if I told you I finally got out…..THIS YEAR?! 20 years later, I managed to crawl out of that hole and I have no intentions of falling back in! Some of you may be in a hole, almost at the top, or have accepted the fact that you’ll never see the light of day again. However, I’m here to tell you, it may take days, months, years even, but eventually, you’ll come out! But, you’ve got to WANT to come out! It may seem as though things will never get better, but they will!

Do you want to live or survive? As long as you’re in that hole, you’re only living. But the minute you decide you want to survive, is the second you will do everything in your power to come out of your situation. No matter how your situation looks, don’t give up, and more importantly, whatever you do, DON’T STOP CRAWLING! Keep digging until you are no longer surrounded by darkness and dirt!

Until next time Note takers!

Writefully yours,

Deetra La’Rue