Being the bigger person sucks at times! The pressure is always on you to take the high road, when all you want to do is take your tormentor down the horrendous road, they’ve dragged you on for so long. I’m angry, my blood boils and I’m doing everything within my power, to stop my heart from beating with hate. At this point, I’m hurt and just want to give in to my desires, as wrongful as they may be. Besides, it’s costing me too much; my peace of mind for one!
I can’t always say I’ve been around good situations or the very best of people. More times than I’d like to admit, I was involved in a lot of unnecessary and hurtful arguments/disagreements. Expletives were yelled, voices reached their highest pitch and feelings were hurt, although no one wanted to admit it. My eyes are burning with rage, as I sit here taking a trip down memory lane.
No longer wanting to be apart of the problem, I began to turn a blind eye to all the envy and hate. I silenced myself in arguments and took a backseat to the drama, so I thought. Although I was in “attendance”, I promise you I wasn’t “present”. I became a punching bag, and I started allowing people to say whatever they wanted without striking back. Besides, it wouldn’t have done any good anyway, because their blows were much more lethal than any defense I could give.
Instead, I just sat there and took the beating……punch, after punch, after punch. I kept telling myself, “It’s okay. You’re not affected by any of this”. In fact, I was affected. I was angry, extremely bothered and wanted revenge! I couldn’t just sit back and allow someone to continue to treat me any less than I was, just because they felt that way about themselves. I….WAS……MAD! Not for the simple fact of how I was being treated, but because my peace of mind was gone! How could I allow someone to take the only thing I knew they couldn’t have?
I had to get my peace of mind back, because to me, it was worth more than the heartbreak of not having a relationship with someone very close to me. Then too, their actions alone proves to me, they not only don’t care about my feelings, but they don’t want a relationship with me. But, you know what? I’m totally fine with that!
I’ve settle on the idea that I can love people from afar. I don’t have to have a relationship with certain people, because I may never get the one I desire anyway. However, my peace of mind is too valuable for me to have it ruined, because of how someone else feels about me. I shouldn’t have to pay for their feelings! Rather than stay entangled in a position that I didn’t create for myself, I just chose to walk away. It’s not always the easiest thing to do, but it’s for the absolute best!
*****Whispers to self, I would care, but this doesn’t involve me!*****
Until next time Note takers!
Writefully yours,
Deetra La’Rue
