Helpless

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
No matter how hard I try to stand
My mind is no longer in control of my body
And my heart is the new Chief-in-command

Playing in the field of love is a dangerous ground
And I’ve used all my ammunition
I pull out the white flag to end this war
But my heart refuses to listen

Instead it keeps beating and bleeding love
Fighting to the very end
Quitting is not an option and failure’s no choice
So it fights with every intent to win

Words are thrown like massive grenades
And there’s nowhere to run and hide
Although it’s strong and continues to beat on
Slowly it’s dying inside

The zeal it had is fading away
And my heart is losing its power
It begins to grow weak and is threatened by defeat
But continues to fight until the final hour

Suddenly it shuts down to the point of no return
Resuscitation or bringing it back to life
Hurt prevailed causing my heart to fail
Because it was too helpless to put up a fight

Love is always persistent, but sometimes, even it will “hurt” us!

Until next time my NOTE takers!

Writefully yours,

Deetra La’Rue

WANTED!

Daddy I need you

I love “love”, and even though I’m not in it, I sit and dream of the day it’ll find me. Speaking of find, often times, I find myself gravitating towards seasoned (older) men. To be honest, they’re all I seem to be attracted to.   It’s not that younger men don’t appeal to me, but I just feel a mature man is more prepared to offer me a lot of things that I need: stability and protection (to name a couple)….two of the most important things I longed for in a father.   It wasn’t until I became older, that I realized the reason for my attraction to seasoned men.  I was desperately trying to obtain the things from them that I needed, but didn’t get from my “father”.   But, I know I can’t expect my husband to be my “daddy”.  Without an ounce of shame, I am 34 years old, and still looking for a father!  Without lodging any (more) attacks, I was not fortunate enough to have a father, or father-figure growing up.  Although there was a male present in the home, his presence was not there.

I wasn’t a “daddy’s girl”, nor did I have anyone to protect or provide (financially, emotionally or physically) for me.  There was no“Knight and Shining Armor” or a man that I wanted my husband to be “just like”.   If anything, I wanted him to be the complete opposite!  I know the saying goes that “a woman’s first love is her father”, but I never got the chance to experience that.  That put me in a position (and still does) of complete disservice as a child and teenager.  To be honest, there’s nothing I find more cruel than someone who willingly refuses to participate in the life of the person they “participated” in helping to create.

Because of that, I’ve experienced a lot of resentment, anger, hate and years of unforgiveness towards my “father”.   Besides, how am I to know what my children’s father is supposed to be or do, when I didn’t have anyone to serve as that model for me?

You’re still what I need!   

I know people are probably saying, “just let it go”, “the past is the past”, but how can I, when it’s still affecting me mentally and emotionally, not to mention, my relationships with men.   I know how I want to be treated by a man, but I should’ve had someone teaching me the things to look for, watch out for and not settle for. Instead, I had to take what I experienced as a child, and use that as my guide for “dealing” with men.  That’s not to say men know it all when it comes to other men, nor should you expect one to tell you everything there is to know about men, because somethings are just pure common sense.  However, I believe had I had that male role model, it would’ve saved me from a few hiccups in my life, as it relates to men and relationships.

Regardless if you’re a young male or female, the role a father plays in your life is absolutely important and necessary.  We can agree or disagree, but a mother (no matter how much credit she gives to herself) cannot play or fill the void of a father! There are some things a woman can’t give to her child(ren), like a father would, and vice versa.  Although I am extremely fortunate to have my mother in my life, and despite her being there growing up, there are just somethings she couldn’t provide to me that my “father” needed to.  If that were the case, I wouldn’t be writing this.

Men, please understand that you are valued, loved and play a huge integral role in the lives of your child(ren), regardless if you’ve been told different.  I don’t care what your relationship is with your children’s mother, just don’t use it as an excuse to not play your part.

If you willingly choose to walk away or neglect your responsibilities, not only will you invoke immense pain upon your children, but they too may end up in Counseling one day, just as I am, trying to deal with the b****** my “father” did to me!

Sounds like hurt? Probably because I still am….just as I’m still questioning and still wondering what it would’ve been like had I had a father.  I know I’m older, but no matter how old you get, everyone still needs their father!

Writefully yours, 

Deetra La’Rue